Dangerous games: Rules for lovers

Dangerous games: Rules for lovers

• 14/06/2023

Relations with those who are not free is always a difficult story. Here is the need to keep in secret, and the uncertainty of the future, and the fear that sooner or later they are exposed ... The systemic family psychotherapist Marina Travkova read for us the book of Ulrich Clement “When Love goes to the left” and talks about what rules the author formulates for lovers.

1. Do not interfere in the marriage of your lover or mistress

The marriage of this person - let's call him or her partner - not your business. It may well be that the partner tells you how unhappy in the family. Since you are in love, you will want to help - advice or business. And now you really hate this marriage in which a person dear to you is so bad. Or maybe this is slightly pleasing that he is bad there: you look and "be freed".

However, take into account the two points. Firstly, he can tell what he wants, but this is always only half the truth. The other half (and not so terrible) is the same one because of which this marriage has not yet broken up. Secondly, his spouse or spouse is not so bad-in the end, they chose the same person as you. Respect them and don't talk about them badly.

2. Proceed from the fact that you do not know about this marriage of everything - and you will never know

A partner can burn out a spouse or spouse and not talk about all their weaknesses. It is worthy of respect. On the other hand, if he wants to keep you, he will never tell that he is still connecting him with a legal half - love, fear of a new, material calculation (if he is more secured than you). A loving heart does not exclude a cold head. If you do not understand why the partner does not get divorced, then you just don't know everything.

3. Do not make complaints, even if the lover promised you something

In love, people do not say. And they really think so. Sincerely. At that moment. They can promise you that they will always be nearby. But here you are ill and lying with the temperature, but the partner does not come: the spouse has a birthday, or you need to take the child from the kindergarten, or there is simply no way to leave home now.

While a person is unhappy in marriage, he promises a lot, and, as it seems to him, sincerely, because he really wants a better relationship. But he will be free only when he will be free. Married man - married. Married woman - married.

4. Don't consider that you are better than a spouse of a partner

What is happening between you, of course, brighter, more exciting, more beautiful than what the partner is in marriage. Enjoy this, but do not build hopes! Your relationship is new, fresh, secrets and not spoiled by the influence of routine. The legal half in this game has more rights to your lover or lover, but the relationship between them includes inevitable ingratitude, disappointment, anger, unfulfilled dreams.

As a rule, the point here is not in the spouse, but in the very marriage as such. You - a lover or mistress - got a more joyful role. But this is just a distribution of roles, it does not mean that you are better, and the legal half is worse. “Change you in places - and will complain about you,” adds the systemic family psychotherapist Marina Travkova.

5. If your connection becomes known, the rules will change

Suppose a legitimate spouse or spouse of your partner learned about everything. The reaction

What happened can also mean that now you will not be seen for a long time. Maybe even never. The lover has to withstand a lot: anger and pain of a legal half. It’s easier for you, so retreat. This is not about disappearing at the first difficulties - you should be available day and night, but you should not intervene.

6. Think twice before giving relations a legal status

If you are together for a long time, if there is harmony between you, spiritual and sexual, you have only views on life, to be a joy for you, it involuntarily suggests itself that you are created for marriage with each other. It seems: if not for a legitimate spouse or spouse, everything would be fine.

May https://morfeoays.com/artikel/ be. But think seriously about what. For the most part, you are so good with each other precisely because you are not a couple, and your connection occupies only part of your lives, a secret niche. Even if you are wonderful lovers, this does not mean at all that in the future you will become good spouses. As soon as you bind yourself by official ties, a lot in your current relationship will be lost.

“All this magical atmosphere of the candy-bouquet period will be lost, when he appears in front of her without fear and reproach, and she is in front of him-without curlers and problems,” explains Marina Travkova. - When people begin to live together, it turns out that not all their problems were in former partners: much - in them themselves. So after saving the love of his whole life from the “paw of the spouse-woman”, a noble knight can find himself as a spouse.

There is a great risk on a new round of its own crisis to be in the triangle, but already in the place of a deceived spouse

These tales are clearly spelled out in the collective unconscious, but, like all fairy tales, they end in the day of the wedding or the beginning of cohabitation. I had to see more than one marriage in which, at the time of the crisis (which, for example, the birth of a child can provoke), one of the spouses rushed for support “to the side”. When the crisis passes-the children, after all, are growing-it turns out that a lover or mistress was simply "used". Usually this is what happens to those who decide on relations with a non -free person.

But this is not the saddest ending. The most sad - when a lover or lover “win” and lead a partner from the family. The newly made couple from the very beginning may not have a goal ". The connection of two free people was created for something. But in connection with “him/she is so bad in marriage that I could not (la) pass by” the goal “from the contrary” - for example, from the “nasty” spouse. And when a person is freed from him, it turns out that there is nothing to do together.

My forecast for the strength of such couples: from six months to a year. Holding up, there is a great risk on a new round of your own crisis to be in the triangle, but already in the place of a deceived spouse or wife. The same scenario works when they “take away” from “nasty” parents. The Savior ceases to be the Savior as soon as saved. And then a completely different fairy tale.

Of course, it happens otherwise. Когда новые отношения — действительно точка в старых и всего лишь побеждают их инерцию. But you observe much more often that, “leaving the triangle”, the new couple rapidly loses everything that was beautiful that they had in a love relationship, when there was no common life, common children or there was no need to live with children from their previous marriage. When there is no longer division: one partner is for irritation on him, and the other for happiness and joy. When all irritation comes here - in the "new" relationship ".

7. Do not put your self -esteem dependent on the decision that your partner will accept

It may well be that in the end the partner will not choose you. He can choose his marriage, which means for him more than attachment to you. Such a solution is not easy. This does not mean that you are not so good or did something wrong. You are no worse than his spouse. But you lost. Take a defeat with honor. What was between you remains valuable, even if it ended.

8. Save about everything that was, good memories

The fact that the relationship is the end does not mean that you can talk about them to the right and left. Even if the connection is over, it is worth treating it respectfully. Perhaps you will want to explain to those friends who are aware of the situation, why you broke up. Follow the style of presentation and the degree of frankness - now that everything is over and it hurts, it is especially important. Take a look at this not as a destroyed relationship, but at as a wonderful episode in your life.

Everything will pass, the memories will remain. How kind the good now depends on you.

In the book “When Love goes to the left,” Ulrich Clement also formulated the rules for those who are changing, and to whom they are cheating.